Primary 5 Composition An Adventure & descriptive writing
As the SA1 Composition and Oral looms near, my classes and I have been focusing on these two components. The good thing is that we write almost every week so its not a new practice for them. And I’m proud of my students that every time I test them for Oral, they are more and more confident!!
A few weeks back, I gave my students a composition on An Adventure. The original pictures below. One of my P6 students scored a 37/40 for a few reasons. (Aside from the fact that she is an excellent writer and enjoys the process!)
1) Her story was almost free of grammatical or structural mistakes
2) She chose to plan a simple plot but made sure it was descriptive. Too complicated plots result in unclear story line and missing information. For example, teacher will remark at the side “Why did this happen?” or “Who is he?”
3) Her setting was well-described and she created suspense (one of the instructions I gave my students during Planning stage)
4) There was the appropriate amount of dialogue used. Dialogue can show the character of someone in your story. Here we can tell that Tom is a timid boy who has been tricked into an adventure by his mischievous twin brother and friends. Too much dialogue and the composition becomes a play!
5) She used ‘sound’ appropriately – (I have highlighted that part for you). Instead of “Ring, ring” Thebell rang which is repetition, she used the sound to create suspense, followed by description.
“Truth or Dare,” Daniel whispered as he held the torchlight under his chin. “Seriously, stop it! You’re not even scary!” yelled Jonathan, who gave his twin brother a hard smack on his head before returning his gaze to Tom, “So?”
“Truth,” Tom replied timidly. “Alright, try exploring the witch’s den,” all the boys whispered before bursting into laughter upon seeing Tom’s pale face.
“I said truth, not dare!” Tom crossed his arms angrily, not amused the slightest bit.
“Come on, be brave, it is Halloween, why not have an adventure?” Sam suggested before the boys placed a torchlight in Tom’s hands and pushed him out of the house.
“Wait!” Before Tom could complain, the door slammed shut in his face. Gulping down the lump that had risen in his throat, his hand gripped the torchlight tightly before stepping down from his porch. His skin tingled as the cold, mysterious wind swept across, scattering the dead autumn leaves of Halloween. Mice scattered from the bin, giving him a glare as they ran out onto the streets. Tom’s eyes, however, was fixated on the tall, dark woods that stood in front of him, giving off a creepy aura.
Shivering, Tom took small steps as he inched closer to the woods. “Aargh!” Tom let out an ear-piercing shriek as a crow swooped down towards him. “Darn you ‘Truth or Dare’!” Tom yelled in frustration as he entered the woods. “Creak-snap!” Tom jumped up in fear again as he stepped on a twig.
The tall, menacing trees seemed to tower over Tom, caving in and capturing him in darkness. The red eyes of the bats which hung above, flashed under the moonlight. Crows stood on the trees, eye following his every move. Every now and then, Tom would spin around to check if anyone was behind him as he had most certainly felt someone watching him. Tom broke into cold sweat, as shivers ran down his spine. Fear and trepidation bubbled in his stomach as his frantic pupils scanned his surroundings.
Just as Tom was recovering from the shock, the moonlight sucked the life from his torchlight. Darkness flashed a grin before covering everything in blackness. Trembling like a jelly, Tom tried to revive his torchlight but to no avail. “Snap!” another twig snapped under another foot. Without looking back, Tom threw his torchlight down, running for his dear life.
Tom panted heavily as he looked back, he had made it out of the woods. Beads of perspiration trickled down the bridge of his nose, as he gasped for air. However, the real obstacle was the one in front of him. Old, tattered wood decorated house. Its windows barely hung from the hinges of the windowsill. A huge hole was in front of the door, sheltering many unknown creepy-crawlies. The grass was curled up, dried and dead. The mailbox had snapped into two as the pathway cracked into pieces. It was certainly the Witches Den’ It was rumoured that a ‘witch” had stayed there, kidnapped many children, and dug out their eyes. Tom trembled as another chilly breeze swept by.
Mustering his courage, Tom stepped into the house, every file creaking under his weight. Tom walked to the end of the wall until he heard noise. He whipped his head to the room on his left as he tiptoed towards the room. There it stood, a figure that seemed to sway with the breeze of the wind, hair as long as its body. Tom’s eyes widened, “It is the witch!”, he thought before running down the hall. However, his legs that had turned into jelly and gave way, giving him a hard landing on the floor.
Tom groaned in pain as he struggled to stand up. As he was doing so, he spotted a piece of white paper lying on the floor at the corner of his eyes. He reached for it and flipped it around. “Trick or Treat”, it read before someone grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around. Another loud shriek escaped Tom’s mouth as he stared hard at the sight in front of him. “Guys?” Tom muttered under his breath, at the brink of tears.
“Happy Halloween! You should have seen your face! That “ghost” was just a piece of cloth! You have been tricked!” Daniel grinned as he patted Tom on the shoulder. “Let’s head back to the party!” the rest yelled as they walked out. Tom followed them, relieved it was just a prank, However as he glanced back, a figure standing in the hallway seemed to grin before vanishing into thin air.
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